I have always said that I hate to run. In the typical use of the word run, that is true... but lately I've been battling that oh-so-familiar need to run away. I find myself googling Dublin University again, and dreaming of possibly reconnecting with the admissions advisor that I spoke with 5 years ago. Then, after I talk myself out of that, I look into small farms in the Italian countryside, or cabins isolated far in the Alps. Any place that isn't here. Any place that has more beauty or excitement or culture than my ranch house in the suburbs of my hometown.
The only thing that my awful ex-therapist got right was when she labeled me as 'restless'. It's the perfect word to describe my demeanor. I can't get comfortable in one life before I start looking to the next. The world is a big, big place with lots of people... how do I know that this little niche that I've carved for myself is it? How do I know that these are the best friends I could have, the best husband, or the best town to settle down?
In truth, it all boils down to how well I know myself. I've fragmented myself over the years, picking up and dropping hobbies due to the people I surround myself with. The list of things I've dabbled in/tried/obsessed over is ridiculously long. I look at that ridiculously long list of things I still currently enjoy doing I am deeply concerned. I feel that the grip I had on myself is loosening instead of tightening and I'm terrified.
So running. Running is the answer. Maybe if I see myself in another light, another place; maybe then I can shake all the things I've tied to me and I can truly just see me. And I hope against hope that if I do see me, I like who I see.
Ash
Monday, January 6, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Bismuth & My Slow Spiral to Oblivion
For Christmas I received a pendant of bismuth from my mother. Bismuth is a very... alien looking mineral. It stacks upon itself in confusing layers that only contain right angles and the coloration is multi-tonal, like a confused rainbow trapped in the wrong medium. It's this mix of beauty and practicality that is particularly unsettling.
At first I wasn't crazy about this pendant. It was far too hard and angular; the futurism evoked by it was slightly frightening to a girl who can't figure out what she wants to eat for lunch. I faked a smile and told my mother how much I loved it, (she really, really tried) and then I left it sit on my jewelry tree, neglected, for a few days.
Thursday morning, while in my normal scramble to get ready, I noticed the necklace hanging on my jewelry tree and for whatever reason was struck by it. I threw it on in a hurry and ran out the door. I fingered it while driving... the cool metallic feeling of the rock was calming on my rapidly deteriorating nerves. My life, and therefore my emotional and mental faculties have been living in a whirlwind of chaos for months. I've been questioning many things and running over them over and over again in my head, and where that leaves me is at a crossroads of insane and emotional... where my hair has begun to slowly fall out. But as I ran my fingers over that pendant, I felt calmed. This mineral looked an alien in this world, and I drew the parallel to myself.
While driving I listen to podcasts to pass the time, and I was listening to one of my favorites, RadioLab* on Thursday afternoon; an episode called Apocalyptical. I was shocked as the storyline changed for the mass extinction of the dinosaurs, to a bit on, of all things, Bismuth. I grasped the pendant and listened intently. Jad and Robert went on to describe how Bismuth sits at a crucial point on the periodic table and it is the first element that is not immortal. Every element prior to Bismuth** has some form that will continue on into eternity like a deity, outlasting time itself. Bismuth, however, and all those that follow it will eventually self-destruct and die. It can't hold itself together and over time, it essentially spins itself apart. The self-destruction of Bismuth is the beginning of death in our universe.
I decided to wear that necklace Thursday for the first time, and also I picked that podcast to listen to out of the 30 that I have on my iPod at the moment. Also, who does a podcast about bismuth, really? The coincidences were staggering and I had to momentarily stop the podcast and catch my breath. After the goosebumps settled, I began to really digest what was said in that podcast. That pendant which had brought some stability in my world was really the symbol for instability. Some day, far, far, FAR into the future, this necklace will be ash. It will slip out of existence by its own hand; a long, slow descent into oblivion.
I now wear that necklace nearly every day. It is my mineral soul mate, and I feel a kind of connection to the symbolism of Bismuth. At the rate I'm going, I will also slowly spiral downward into oblivion... I will fall apart. But also, it is a reminder of mortality. I will cease to be someday. For now, I just wear a chunk of the beginning of death itself around my neck.
Ash
*If you don't currently listen to it, you are missing out on life. Download it free from iTunes.
**There are two elements prior to Bismuth that do not follow this rule, but fuck them because they ruin my musings.
Thursday morning, while in my normal scramble to get ready, I noticed the necklace hanging on my jewelry tree and for whatever reason was struck by it. I threw it on in a hurry and ran out the door. I fingered it while driving... the cool metallic feeling of the rock was calming on my rapidly deteriorating nerves. My life, and therefore my emotional and mental faculties have been living in a whirlwind of chaos for months. I've been questioning many things and running over them over and over again in my head, and where that leaves me is at a crossroads of insane and emotional... where my hair has begun to slowly fall out. But as I ran my fingers over that pendant, I felt calmed. This mineral looked an alien in this world, and I drew the parallel to myself.
While driving I listen to podcasts to pass the time, and I was listening to one of my favorites, RadioLab* on Thursday afternoon; an episode called Apocalyptical. I was shocked as the storyline changed for the mass extinction of the dinosaurs, to a bit on, of all things, Bismuth. I grasped the pendant and listened intently. Jad and Robert went on to describe how Bismuth sits at a crucial point on the periodic table and it is the first element that is not immortal. Every element prior to Bismuth** has some form that will continue on into eternity like a deity, outlasting time itself. Bismuth, however, and all those that follow it will eventually self-destruct and die. It can't hold itself together and over time, it essentially spins itself apart. The self-destruction of Bismuth is the beginning of death in our universe.
I decided to wear that necklace Thursday for the first time, and also I picked that podcast to listen to out of the 30 that I have on my iPod at the moment. Also, who does a podcast about bismuth, really? The coincidences were staggering and I had to momentarily stop the podcast and catch my breath. After the goosebumps settled, I began to really digest what was said in that podcast. That pendant which had brought some stability in my world was really the symbol for instability. Some day, far, far, FAR into the future, this necklace will be ash. It will slip out of existence by its own hand; a long, slow descent into oblivion.
I now wear that necklace nearly every day. It is my mineral soul mate, and I feel a kind of connection to the symbolism of Bismuth. At the rate I'm going, I will also slowly spiral downward into oblivion... I will fall apart. But also, it is a reminder of mortality. I will cease to be someday. For now, I just wear a chunk of the beginning of death itself around my neck.
Ash
*If you don't currently listen to it, you are missing out on life. Download it free from iTunes.
**There are two elements prior to Bismuth that do not follow this rule, but fuck them because they ruin my musings.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Star-crossed lovers
I am a very logical person. Life is probabilities and outcomes and I am at the mercy of the odds. I've reasoned my way out of religion and I've reasoned my way out of true love. In my worldview, fate is just a product of chance and fate is no more guided than I am.
Love has always been that game of statistics for me. In my early 20's, I even went as far as to do the math. I looked at population statistics and devised my chances of finding love; a very calculated approach to such a carnal feeling. I spent time deciding what mattered to me, and how many men shared those traits that would be accessible to me. I couldn't tell you the number I came up with anymore, but I will tell you that it was sobering. Despite the 3.5 billion males on this planet, a relatively small number were compatible and accessible to me.
When I met Brandon, I knew that I'd met a great man who was very compatible with me. By compatible, I mean we are complete opposites in personality. I'm fire, he's water... he balances me. When I threaten to scorch the air around me with my intensity, he soothes me and brings me back. We complement each other and our life goals align. I fell in love with him... hard. I still love him with everything I have. Yet, for the past few years I've really come to question our true compatibility. He grows weary of my passion and says my head is stuck in the clouds when all I really want is for him to embrace that passion as his own and understand me. I want him to stop scoffing and start enjoying the silent storm that I am. I want him to see things in the world that give him pause for nothing other than pure beauty or emotional relief. While I consider myself logical, he is far more so than I... to the point that it seems to squash the beauty and release of life.
I met a man who completes me in every way. The attraction between us was palpable from the moment we met, however, we are both married people and that attraction was bridled and stowed away. It gave me pause, yet it was insignificant. As time march forward, the attraction between us became undeniable. I was happy in my life, I wasn't looking for anything... but he showed up and now my life is turned upside down.
Despite being the logical person I am, I have a deeply romantic and emotional side... I am a dreamer. Despite having reasoned my way out of true love, I was still addicted to the idea. I didn't think it existed, but the idea of it held my thoughts always. Now that he's in my life, I'm questioning everything. He's this wonderful amalgam of qualities that I didn't think existed in one person... he's so intelligent, yet kind and personable enough to be able to share his knowledge. He's passionate and introspective while still maintaining an approachable demeanor. Everything about him is a contradiction and I love it. I love him... fully.
He is the man that I am meant to be with. This flies in the face of everything I've believed up until this point in my life. Not only does he represent a contradiction in personality, but a contradiction in my worldview. All of a sudden fate exists on some level and real, deep, passionate love is a reality. How do I align all these new thoughts and feelings with what I've always thought to be true? Does it even really matter?
The reality of our situation is dismal. I do love my husband, and he has 3 wonderful children and a wife living hundreds of miles away from here. Chances are that our situation will never change; that we will never actually be together. But the shred of hope that I hold onto involves the shift in my worldview. If some sliver of fate exists... maybe she's not done with her star-crossed lovers quite yet.
Love has always been that game of statistics for me. In my early 20's, I even went as far as to do the math. I looked at population statistics and devised my chances of finding love; a very calculated approach to such a carnal feeling. I spent time deciding what mattered to me, and how many men shared those traits that would be accessible to me. I couldn't tell you the number I came up with anymore, but I will tell you that it was sobering. Despite the 3.5 billion males on this planet, a relatively small number were compatible and accessible to me.
When I met Brandon, I knew that I'd met a great man who was very compatible with me. By compatible, I mean we are complete opposites in personality. I'm fire, he's water... he balances me. When I threaten to scorch the air around me with my intensity, he soothes me and brings me back. We complement each other and our life goals align. I fell in love with him... hard. I still love him with everything I have. Yet, for the past few years I've really come to question our true compatibility. He grows weary of my passion and says my head is stuck in the clouds when all I really want is for him to embrace that passion as his own and understand me. I want him to stop scoffing and start enjoying the silent storm that I am. I want him to see things in the world that give him pause for nothing other than pure beauty or emotional relief. While I consider myself logical, he is far more so than I... to the point that it seems to squash the beauty and release of life.
I met a man who completes me in every way. The attraction between us was palpable from the moment we met, however, we are both married people and that attraction was bridled and stowed away. It gave me pause, yet it was insignificant. As time march forward, the attraction between us became undeniable. I was happy in my life, I wasn't looking for anything... but he showed up and now my life is turned upside down.
Despite being the logical person I am, I have a deeply romantic and emotional side... I am a dreamer. Despite having reasoned my way out of true love, I was still addicted to the idea. I didn't think it existed, but the idea of it held my thoughts always. Now that he's in my life, I'm questioning everything. He's this wonderful amalgam of qualities that I didn't think existed in one person... he's so intelligent, yet kind and personable enough to be able to share his knowledge. He's passionate and introspective while still maintaining an approachable demeanor. Everything about him is a contradiction and I love it. I love him... fully.
He is the man that I am meant to be with. This flies in the face of everything I've believed up until this point in my life. Not only does he represent a contradiction in personality, but a contradiction in my worldview. All of a sudden fate exists on some level and real, deep, passionate love is a reality. How do I align all these new thoughts and feelings with what I've always thought to be true? Does it even really matter?
The reality of our situation is dismal. I do love my husband, and he has 3 wonderful children and a wife living hundreds of miles away from here. Chances are that our situation will never change; that we will never actually be together. But the shred of hope that I hold onto involves the shift in my worldview. If some sliver of fate exists... maybe she's not done with her star-crossed lovers quite yet.
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