Bismuth & My Slow Spiral to Oblivion

For Christmas I received a pendant of bismuth from my mother. Bismuth is a very... alien looking mineral. It stacks upon itself in confusing layers that only contain right angles and the coloration is multi-tonal, like a confused rainbow trapped in the wrong medium. It's this mix of beauty and practicality that is particularly unsettling.

At first I wasn't crazy about this pendant. It was far too hard and angular; the futurism evoked by it was slightly frightening to a girl who can't figure out what she wants to eat for lunch. I faked a smile and told my mother how much I loved it, (she really, really tried) and then I left it sit on my jewelry tree, neglected, for a few days.

Thursday morning, while in my normal scramble to get ready, I noticed the necklace hanging on my jewelry tree and for whatever reason was struck by it. I threw it on in a hurry and ran out the door. I fingered it while driving... the cool metallic feeling of the rock was calming on my rapidly deteriorating nerves. My life, and therefore my emotional and mental faculties have been living in a whirlwind of chaos for months. I've been questioning many things and running over them over and over again in my head, and where that leaves me is at a crossroads of insane and emotional... where my hair has begun to slowly fall out. But as I ran my fingers over that pendant, I felt calmed. This mineral looked an alien in this world, and I drew the parallel to myself.

While driving I listen to podcasts to pass the time, and I was listening to one of my favorites, RadioLab* on Thursday afternoon; an episode called Apocalyptical. I was shocked as the storyline changed for the mass extinction of the dinosaurs, to a bit on, of all things, Bismuth. I grasped the pendant and listened intently. Jad and Robert went on to describe how Bismuth sits at a crucial point on the periodic table and it is the first element that is not immortal. Every element prior to Bismuth** has some form that will continue on into eternity like a deity, outlasting time itself. Bismuth, however, and all those that follow it will eventually self-destruct and die. It can't hold itself together and over time, it essentially spins itself apart. The self-destruction of Bismuth is the beginning of death in our universe.

I decided to wear that necklace Thursday for the first time, and also I picked that podcast to listen to out of the 30 that I have on my iPod at the moment. Also, who does a podcast about bismuth, really? The coincidences were staggering and I had to momentarily stop the podcast and catch my breath. After the goosebumps settled, I began to really digest what was said in that podcast. That pendant which had brought some stability in my world was really the symbol for instability. Some day, far, far, FAR into the future, this necklace will be ash. It will slip out of existence by its own hand; a long, slow descent into oblivion.

I now wear that necklace nearly every day. It is my mineral soul mate, and I feel a kind of connection to the symbolism of Bismuth. At the rate I'm going, I will also slowly spiral downward into oblivion... I will fall apart. But also, it is a reminder of mortality. I will cease to be someday. For now, I just wear a chunk of the beginning of death itself around my neck.

Ash

*If you don't currently listen to it, you are missing out on life. Download it free from iTunes.
**There are two elements prior to Bismuth that do not follow this rule, but fuck them because they ruin my musings.