I am a very logical person. Life is probabilities and outcomes and I am at the mercy of the odds. I've reasoned my way out of religion and I've reasoned my way out of true love. In my worldview, fate is just a product of chance and fate is no more guided than I am.
Love has always been that game of statistics for me. In my early 20's, I even went as far as to do the math. I looked at population statistics and devised my chances of finding love; a very calculated approach to such a carnal feeling. I spent time deciding what mattered to me, and how many men shared those traits that would be accessible to me. I couldn't tell you the number I came up with anymore, but I will tell you that it was sobering. Despite the 3.5 billion males on this planet, a relatively small number were compatible and accessible to me.
When I met Brandon, I knew that I'd met a great man who was very compatible with me. By compatible, I mean we are complete opposites in personality. I'm fire, he's water... he balances me. When I threaten to scorch the air around me with my intensity, he soothes me and brings me back. We complement each other and our life goals align. I fell in love with him... hard. I still love him with everything I have. Yet, for the past few years I've really come to question our true compatibility. He grows weary of my passion and says my head is stuck in the clouds when all I really want is for him to embrace that passion as his own and understand me. I want him to stop scoffing and start enjoying the silent storm that I am. I want him to see things in the world that give him pause for nothing other than pure beauty or emotional relief. While I consider myself logical, he is far more so than I... to the point that it seems to squash the beauty and release of life.
I met a man who completes me in every way. The attraction between us was palpable from the moment we met, however, we are both married people and that attraction was bridled and stowed away. It gave me pause, yet it was insignificant. As time march forward, the attraction between us became undeniable. I was happy in my life, I wasn't looking for anything... but he showed up and now my life is turned upside down.
Despite being the logical person I am, I have a deeply romantic and emotional side... I am a dreamer. Despite having reasoned my way out of true love, I was still addicted to the idea. I didn't think it existed, but the idea of it held my thoughts always. Now that he's in my life, I'm questioning everything. He's this wonderful amalgam of qualities that I didn't think existed in one person... he's so intelligent, yet kind and personable enough to be able to share his knowledge. He's passionate and introspective while still maintaining an approachable demeanor. Everything about him is a contradiction and I love it. I love him... fully.
He is the man that I am meant to be with. This flies in the face of everything I've believed up until this point in my life. Not only does he represent a contradiction in personality, but a contradiction in my worldview. All of a sudden fate exists on some level and real, deep, passionate love is a reality. How do I align all these new thoughts and feelings with what I've always thought to be true? Does it even really matter?
The reality of our situation is dismal. I do love my husband, and he has 3 wonderful children and a wife living hundreds of miles away from here. Chances are that our situation will never change; that we will never actually be together. But the shred of hope that I hold onto involves the shift in my worldview. If some sliver of fate exists... maybe she's not done with her star-crossed lovers quite yet.
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